Emotions used to be thought of as a sign of weakness. Arthur Padilla, Executive Director of Multifaith shatters this myth by doing some of the most courageous and powerful work I’ve seen. Just as Multifaith is about bringing religions, philosophies and worldviews together believing none is superior, Arthur helps clients and staff acknowledge all of their emotions to feel unity within themselves. That’s a great starting point for any adventure!
Why it’s difficult
Arthur notes that the current social construct gives little permission for adults to express the wide range of their feelings. It’s appropriate to be happy, successful and share stories of achievement. Many adults aren’t afforded the luxury of a safe space to be real about what they feel… especially if it’s sad, angry or depressed. It’s much more acceptable for children and the elderly to say if they’re feeling lonely or upset. Adults have learned to protect themselves by hiding their true feelings. When they can’t hold their feelings back any longer, they often express them in inappropriate ways, scaring the very people they want to get close to. Others clamp down even more, making it virtually impossible to know how to support them. These outdated, dysfunctional ways of handling emotions lead to isolation, fear and victim mentality.
How to share your emotions
The most important thing, Arthur says, is being able to know exactly what it is you’re feeling. After a discussion with one client who was looking for a solution, they were able to name the feeling as being lonely. Arthur said, “You don’t need a pill for that… you need more friends!” Take time to feel what’s going on in your body. Avoidance is a sure way to feel stuck and exacerbate the struggle.
When you acknowledge what’s really happening, you can do something with it. First off, being able to have an emotional conversation and tell someone what you’re feeling is a giant step in the right direction. Be OK with it and know that no one needs to fix you. You’re not broken – you’re experiencing an emotion!
Admitting when you don’t have the answers, are confused or afraid is real integrity. Have you ever noticed that when you’re completely honest is the very moment you start to make progress in a healthy direction? It allows others to be real with you, too.
Arthur and his staff ask clients personal questions on a regular basis – the kind that make most people flinch. The staff decided to put themselves in their client’s shoes by asking each other these questions during an off-site retreat. Not an easy thing to do! One new staff member said he felt like a frog pinned up in a biology class with his guts exposed to the world. When they ask their clients these personal questions now, they know what they’re asking of them. Each staff member has experienced feeling vulnerable and also realize the freedom connected with revealing inner truths to someone who really cares.
Having these kinds of honest and emotional conversations deepens the level of trust. Steven Covey makes a strong case for this in his book “Speed of Trust.” By learning to trust your voice and trust your team, you’ll get better results, quicker. So how do you develop an environment where people feel safe enough to express themselves and speak up when they feel incongruence among their peers?
Creating a safe space
Arthur’s staff meetings go quickly because they have consistent emotional check-ins in the beginning. Sharing is optional and they rarely go over 20 minutes. It’s not about expecting someone else to share. By owning their own feelings, there’s no temptation to project unresolved feelings onto others. People learn to be concise and express what really matters in a non-judgmental space. Ground rules are clearly explained with experienced role models setting a compassionate example. While many groups rush in with agendas, people talking over each other and a lot of debate, Arthur incorporates a few minutes of silence in the beginning of each meeting. This helps everyone to be fully present before they begin. To speed up, learn to slow down!