Years ago, I bought an organic t-shirt for my Dad. We were in a food coop together when he saw it. I could tell he liked it. It was next to some that were half-off. He was tempted, but didn’t buy it. When he went to buy food at the deli, I grabbed it and secretly paid for it. Turns out it wasn’t half-off, but I bought it anyway. He loved that shirt, commenting over the years how soft it was. How good it felt. What a good deal it was.
When he died, I took his shirt back with me to Washington. It was, after all, organic. It did feel good. I couldn’t bear to let it go.
Now I’m traveling with my show If I Were Me… I’d Know What I Want spending time in Arizona. I decide it’s time to let it go. I packed it with me on a hike to Cathedral Rock in Sedona, a heart-opening vortex. I laid it on a rock, blessed my Dad for all the good he brought into my life. I also acknowledged some of the dysfunction in our relationship.
Many times I felt invisible. Like he didn’t see me for who I was. I thought out loud with a bittersweet realization… I paid full price alright. But it wasn’t the money that came to mind. It was a feeling of sacrificing myself to be who he wanted me to be. If he knew the price I paid, he wouldn’t have wanted me to sacrifice that much.
Making this connection brought me a great deal of peace.
The moment I laid his shirt on the rock, I realized how I’ve replayed this pattern in love relationships, including the one that ended the day before.
I see the pattern clearly. I notice a spring in my step with hopes of finally getting my next relationship right. Awareness is everything.
A guy zips by me on his mountain bike gleefully asking, “Do you like the trail we created for you?”
I smile to myself, “Actually I don’t like the trail you made for me.” It’s time to make my own path! Trust that I deserve to be loved for who I am, not who someone else wants me to be.
Letting go of a pattern that had been with me for over 50 years felt scary. I sat by the creek forgiving myself for all the times and all the relationships where I hadn’t revealed my true self so that I could be accepted by whatever man was in my life at the time.
When I left the creek to walk back to my car, my next step was this rock.
Stepping onto that heart-shaped rock I knew everything was going to be ok. My heart is strong. My heart is beautiful. I deserve a healthy relationship where I’m safe to be myself and seen for who I truly am.
Simply beautiful Pamela!
Thanks Lori. Hope to see you next time I’m in Bellevue.
The beginning of love
Is to let those we love
Be perfectly themselves,
And not to twist them to fit
Our own image.
Otherwise, we love only
The reflection of ourselves
That we find in them.
Thomas Merton: “No Man is an Island”